Long ago, many years before I became a mother, I dreamt of moments like these..
This is what I envisioned motherhood to be. Kids playing happily, peacefully, quietly while I lied on the bed in the children’s room reading books. Today I am doing it.
It has been a long time coming. Heck, I have not finished a book of my own choosing in a solid 6 years. I miss it. I am a reader, a writer, a lover of words. Our tiny home is full of bookshelves, either built into the walls or scattered about – at least one in each room, holding hundreds of books. The books used to be mine, now they are theirs. My children are now the readers, the writers, the choosers of books, the lovers of words. I smile proudly thinking this is one of the best things I have passed on to them, or taught them — to cherish the written word.
Today, at 2:22pm, I find myself living a waking dream. I am lying on my 3 year old son’s bed, watching him and his 6 year old sister play silently. Quiet, calming music plays in the background, echoing throughout the peaceful home. One is asleep upstairs, the wild one. All is well. I stretch my tired legs out in front of me and smile as I flip the pages of “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” I am full. I am satisfied. I am happy. Just yesterday I ran a 3 minute personal record (“PR” in runner’s terms), to finish 10th female overall in a half-marathon. It ended on the beach, with my kids playing wildly in the sand. There was a playground. There were the best of friends, teammates, cheering me on, supporting me and loving me. Summer vacation is just days away. The sun is hot and air still cool. Life is pretty darn good in this moment.
“I am writing I love you to Mama. It is for your birthday and for you. I am writing it just for you. I love you, Mama,” comes from his little mouth as he scribbles with a yellow No. 2 pencil across a recycled florescent green 8×11 inch paper.
I am in a dream. I know this will pass, may never happen again. As I said, it has been a long time coming. I roughed the storm, payed my time, shouted too many times, cried in desperation after too many sleepless nights. Now, they are six and five and three and at night, we sleep. In the morning, the sun calls me to wake. I run with the dogs.
Now 2:32pm and he is screaming. The moment has passed, she is awake. Three kids are crying. It is gone. Just like that.. but I now, someday, maybe in another hour, or week or year, it will come again. I hold on. I keep going for moments like this. I keep dreaming…
I am a mother, a runner, 31 years old, a teacher, a wife, a wild, loving, free being.
“I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge —
That myth is more potent than history.
That dreams are more powerful than facts —
That hope always triumphs over experience —
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.”
— Robert Fulghum, 2003, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten